A lot has changed in the past year. We're finally out of Virginia and back in Texas near family again. Virginia was nice, but it was never "home"...
We've been busy unpacking our stuff and trying to make our rental house feel like a home. My in-laws have been kind enough to let us crash at their place while the dust settles. But as I sit reading Facebook, surrounded by my heathen children screaming all around me, I'm struck by an emotion I did not expect - ENVY.
Don't get me wrong - I feel very blessed by all that the Lord has done for me. But sometimes, I read the blogs and status updates or look at pictures of other young moms and I get angry and jealous. I feel like these women have it all together. Half of them don't even look like they've ever even been pregnant, even in a bikini. They do everything right - they're ecologically conscious and use cloth diapers, they nurse for at least a year, they homeschool, what-have-you. And here I am - a hot freaking mess who can't even find the energy to shower everyday. My hair is always up in a bun, I wear t-shirts and ratty old jeans, and I have to freaking tuck my saggy belly into my pants every morning. It's disgusting. Nursing made me want to beat my head against the wall, something I still feel guilty about, and cloth diapers?? Yeah - that experiment lasted all of a day. I can't stand the thought of trying to teach my children anything for longer than 5 minutes because I know I'd end up bald from ripping my hair out in frustration. And NOW, I'm in the land of store-bought beauty, where women go to pick up their kids at school in skirts and heels - and not business skirts and heels, like "I just left work to come get you," but casual "Oh, I look this put together all the time! Why don't you??" Ugh. I could go on and on with this pity party.
But really, how dumb is it to feel angry with other people because God has blessed them?? That's actually the most absurd thing I've ever heard. But I want what they have, I want to be "perfect" like them and that's where the sin lies. They're not perfect, that's just my perception of things. If I were privy to their everyday lives, I'd see that they're probably just as big of a hot mess as I am (they're just better actresses than me :P) God created me to be me - not every other woman on the block. I don't have to be like everyone else, I just have to do the job that God has called me to - as imperfectly as that may be.